Thursday, December 31, 2009
The thigh in the picture is so ridiculous. Just tacky Photoshop-ing
I've decided to ring in the New Year with a fast. Why? Because it should be really exciting to see exactly how I'm going to dodge food on such a "big" day.
Actually, I thought to myself... "why not?" I should be able to grow some and tell my family firmly that I'm not hungry if, in fact, I'm not. So, my goal is to go three days without any food. If I do it well then maybe I'll aim for longer, but right now, I think 3 days should be plenty difficult. (It's JUST three days, right?) If I get really caught in a sticky situation, I'll opt for a "liquid" treat, but no more than 100 Cals worth. Soft-drinks, etc, but let's hope it doesn't boil down to that. The second day is always the hardest, but I'm determined to get through it.
I should be fine with tea and water (absolutely no food). Discipline and control is what I'm going for here. Wish me luck. Anyone that wants to join in is more than welcome to.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
When I last checked I was at 134! Yay!!! Although, this was about 4 days ago. I've been out of town though visiting with family and unfortunately I do not have a scale with me. DAMN! I could very well be at 136 again, or even 138, but I'm glad that I was able to lose at the very least 1 pound after busting my ass! I'm so relieved.
The more I think on it, the more feasible it is that I could very well have gone up again with the way my aunt has been trying to stuff me with all sorts of crap. I've shown remarkable restraint though. Today I managed to dodge a bunch of fried snacks. Breakfast consisted of 2 scrambled eggs and toast...purge...Lunch was a fruit salad and a soda (I poured the soda down the drain after opting out of the potatoes and yam - citing that I had eaten eggs and bread for breakfast), and dinner was a very large tuna salad (minus the tuna - I'm really hating on the corn right now).
I'm here for another 5 days or so and I'm already upset because it looks like the rest of my stay will consist of me restricting and purging just to maintain the weight I'm at (if I'm even lucky to still be at that weight).
I keep telling myself that I can't give up...I did an hour of cardio for 5 days straight last week. Yes, I am a bit determined. Stubborn, even. I keep telling myself that "I WILL reach my goal weight," regardless of how long it takes me. Unfortunately, I can't really go at the exercise while I'm here. It's okay, just a minor setback. I may not lose anything. In fact, I'll probably gain, but I'll get to it when I get back to my place. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't think too hard on the number but on the general direction that the scale is going (let's see how long that lasts). Besides, I don't have a scale with me, so that's kind of pointless to do anyway. I hope everyone's holidays are not as excruciating as they otherwise could be.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Feeling tired and a bit dizzy. Did cardio for an hour again, today. I think I'll take a break tomorrow though. Let's see how sore I get.
Apparently, I inadvertently did some schmoozing today. How so? Well, I made some soup for lunch but I didn't eat it. Instead I put it in tupperware and walked it to my neighbors. They offered me some snacks. I told them that I already ate. "Would you like a drink?"..."No, thank you." It wasn't really a lie. I had 3 small carrots, a banana, and 2 wheat thins for breakfast. Ultimately I had some tea.
Then I came back and not long after had a craving for some gummy bears. Damn. Luckily it was only a small sachet (140 Cals). Not too bad.
I had to run off to meet a friend. I narrowly escaped eating lunch with her and her family. PHEW. They did however insist that I have a juice pouch...correction, two. It would have been extremely rude to decline. I had one and really didn't want to have the second, but finally gave in. I figured I would burn the sugar off with my jump rope later on, anyway. I think those two pouches/boxes must have been 200 Cals combined.
As exhausted as I am, I'm feeling pretty good. However, I don't think I want to chronicle every day. Sooooo, I'll wait to update when I lose another pound or two - or after Christmas, depending on just how entertaining that turns out to be. That scale better start moving, even if only by half a pound. Not that I would know. I don't necessarily trust it, though.
Good luck with your holiday goals, everyone. Remember, don't give in.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
So, it turns out the scale wasn't playing tricks on me. It actually was reading heavier because it's that time of the month. TAH DAH! (If only I were actually genuinely amused). Crapsticks! I don't mind that it creeps up so regularly, but are the cramps so necessary? I won't give TMI but REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?. I wasn't going to do anything today (in fact, I lazed around for about an hour or so) but it got so painful I forced myself to go for a walk. I'm a bit relieved actually, because it means that in about a week, after I've pushed myself really hard and my stomach is ready to slap the shit out of me, and my body is aching and cursing me out, I would have dropped THAT weight and be that much more closer to my goal(s) - even if only by 1 pound.
My uncle called me in the morning to ask if I wanted to go for lunch. I lied and said I already fixed something and ate. I didn't want to go through the salad and bread ordeal again.
Today I grazed...very lightly. Breakfast consisted of 1/3 of a fruit bar (55 Cals), a fruit strip (40 Cals), and a cookie (60 Cals). Lunch was 4 mini rice cakes (30 Cals), 2 almonds (maybe 15 Cals) and a diet Coke. What's crazy is that I don't even drink soda when I'm in the States. When I get back I'm so chucking that habit. Here sometimes bottled water is hard to come by so you order any other bottled liquid which is usually a fizzy drink. Thank goodness there's diet. But overall, I find that the bubbles burn, or is it just me?
I'm feeling good and a little bit hungry now that I've taken a bath and relaxed a bit.
My legs are a little sore because I got another hour of cardio today. Woop woop! (*...it's the eye of the tiger...*) - *screech/scratch* - I had to stop skipping about 5 minutes to the hour because I got a really bad cramp in my side. Not the monthly kind. When it finally seized I made up for it with another 7 minutes of skipping.
I returned the crappy bootlegged DVD the guy around the corner sold me. It didn't play. I told him off (very politely). I demanded a replacement and checked it first thing when I got home. That's what I'll be doing in the next few minutes until I fall asleep.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Nice legs, right? Ya, I wish mine looked like those...soon enough.
So, I didn't fast today. Which is okay considering I wasn't necessarily aiming for that. I didn't go today without food but I feel good. It could be the endorphins.
The guest is gone and again I have my space and time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind guests it's just tougher if you have to chaperon for most of your day.
Breakfast was half a fruit bar.
Lunch...Well, I had to have lunch with my uncle today, so I made sure I ordered a tuna salad. Not too bad, except I forgot to ask them to hold the cheese and the corn. Oh well. It wasn't much cheese. I made sure to have just one small slice of bread, because he thought it was odd that I was picking of the sprinkles of feta.
We had some tea and checked out some local art. I got a pretty awesome bag.
Got home and did about an hour of cardio. Love my jump rope. Yay!
So, although the scale is stubbornly stuck (in fact, I think it's gone up - it's a pretty crappy needle scale purchased locally) I feel good that I was able to exercise.
That's all...I think I'm going to watch a movie on my laptop.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Yesterday was wasted on the sink. I had to go to bank and withdraw money (a nightmare), buy the sink parts (doubly so), and wait for the plumber to finish the task. I can't believe it took 6 hours. I mean, I CAN believe it took 6 hours. Everything here is so much more difficult, especially with the heat. So, sadly, no interviews yesterday, and wound up eating more than I wanted to in the evening. I think that due in part to the fact that I didn't sleep the night before, trying to submit an application online using this god-forsaken modem. I wouldn't be so irritated by the day, talk less of blogging about the sink, had he done a good job. Incompetence is rampant around here. Every time I turn the sink on, water dribbles out from the lower cabinets and into the drain in the floor. RIDICULOUS! I couldn't be bothered with calling him back today. It probably would have been worse and may have ruined my day.
Today was good. Spent a fortune on calling people for my project. But work is work. I didn't get farther than the compound, but I rather liked it.
I didn't eat until evening. I probably would have gone without any food today, but I suddenly had the world's worst headache. As if there were 1,000 little women, with a 2,000 tiny hammers, having a go at my skull. It was intense. I knew it was lack of food. I finally caved in and had some turkey jerky (hell, if I'm going to nibble on something, damn straight it's going to be savory), but it was still too painful, so I had a fruit bowl. It calmed down a bit then came back. I had a biscuit and some rice cakes but it wasn't any better, so I had a bowl of sauteed veggies. *sigh* At least it finally went away. That was certainly a new intensity for me and I didn't want to take any meds on an empty stomach. Especially since the anti-malarial pills make me sick as hell already.
All in all, I must have consumed 700 to 800 Calories. Actually, it could be less. Regardless, it's way more than I was aiming for. I don't think the scale will be moving anytime soon, but oh well. At least I tamed that beast. I'll try again tomorrow. I think I need to lay off the tea...or maybe have more caffeine...Hmmm.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
It really is a vicious cycle. I started on this and now I'm just stuck. I feel like just saying "fuck it!" and stuffing myself with meat and cheese and bread. Well, actually, I don't because I think I would just keel over and die. But seriously...
I haven't lost a single pound this month. Which, I guess is better than gaining, but it would be so nice to lose some weight. I haven't been able to jump rope because I have a house guest that occupies the time and space for my exercise. The little, very little exercise that I can get. So, it's been this painful struggle with starving and eating and purging and starving and eating and purging. BLECK! So much effort, so much restraint, so much energy put into it just to stay at the same weight without giving myself away.
I pause and think I really should just throw in the towel. That maybe I'll just be happy giving it all up, but then I freak out. I can't go back to 140. I just can't. It would be so much easier and so much more effective if this person could just go. It's been almost a week and a half. I haven't even been able to post in my blog because of it. Well, I haven't been able to post in THIS blog because of the constant computer sharing. Yes, the computer is shared because I pay up the ass for an internet connection in the middle of nowhere and the guest needs it almost as often as I do. I had to delete all of the bookmarks on my browsers. It's just been a really ridiculous stressful time, especially if you factor in the application process. So, I guess it hasn't been so bad. I keep telling myself I would be really upset if I had gained. I suppose I should be really pleased with myself, but should I? I mean, eating salads and purging lovely dinners isn't necessarily something someone should gloat about.
Thanks for the support you lovely lovelies. I'm far from where I want to be but you all make me feel so much closer to it than I would otherwise. REALLY! I opened the blog now that the guest finally went out to run some errands (ALONE!) and I feel so much better having signed in and read all of your posts and comments to one another. You're such strong, lovely people. Truly.
With that said, I'm back to chasing down people to interview and working on this statement.
Yay! I just realized I got out of lunch. Every meal counts, right? Woohoo!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
So, the final weigh-in for November was 134.5, which I'm going to round up to 135 (make myself work that much harder). While I didn't lose anywhere near what I was really hoping to, I still managed to get 3-4 pounds off from when I started this blog. Not too bad. Six pounds, if we count the 2 before I began posting. So, I'm happy.
I want to lose 10 pounds this December. I know it's a way to go, but if I can do it. I'll be so ecstatic, and back to where I was before I let myself balloon uncontrollably to 140. GROSS. I need to really have a handle on my intake so that I don't start purging and feeling so bad about it. It's a new month and I'm up for the challenge. Even if I ultimately only lose another 5 pounds, I'll be fine with that.
Yesterday, I refrained from eating the salad and instead treated myself to a little under two cups of fresh pineapple. I nibbled on a pringle and a cashew, but that was for show mostly. I had a couple guy friends pop by to say hello and I served them some vodka. I'm so glad I still had half a bottle of cream soda (diet) and poured it in my glass. I really didn't want to mess up my count for the day. I owed it to myself. Today, so far I've had some gummy vitamins (imported) and a cup of tea. I'll have the salad after I get passionate with my jump rope. Haha.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Binging and purging. Terrible feelings! I'm just glad the guest is finally gone. It was really annoying to have someone constantly asking if I've eaten and what I've eaten. Totally, messed me up. I got on the scale today, and the crap hasn't moved. In fact, I think it's gone up. Granted, I still have the scale offset.
I'm glad to be back to my routine. I haven't had a single bite today and intend to keep it that way until tomorrow.
Goodness, I need some motivation.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The best part about being out of the country on Thanksgiving is that it just doesn't exist around here. This means that I don't have to deal with avoiding all of the Thanksgiving food and everyone insisting that I try the dessert. So glad.
Yesterday I slipped up again. Just as I anticipated. A friend came over and we went out to "the mall". Pretty sad excuse for a mall if you ask me. I don't even like going to those places when I'm home, talk less about going to a crappy one when I'm not. Anyways, I went to the mall. I didn't mind having the popcorn. Lightly salted, no butter. But the ice-cream was a killer, two small scoops. I was feeling pretty bad already with the popcorn since I had eaten some oatmeal in the morning. Especially since I still had to an invitation to meet with my neighbors for drinks. I did well and only had 1 beer, but I had to be polite and had some potato omelet and way too much cheese and crackers. I came home afterward and felt so bloated and gross that I wound up purging most of the cheese and crackers. Bleggghhh! Last time I told myself it would be the only time I would purge, but I just couldn't stand feeling so full.
Oh, and if you were wondering what I did about my cabbage and bean cake situation a couple days ago... I had a bite of cabbage and threw out the bean cake. I didn't want to find myself downing a bunch of water again. Problem solved.
Today I had half a cup of oatmeal and a fruit strip, I may have a second fruit strip. We'll see. I made a chai latte with soy milk (ingenious really, given the limited resources here) but I'm glad the tea bags burst. I couldn't stand the fact that the leaves weren't settling and I couldn't filter the tea out. It was probably a good thing because it kept me from drinking it and I otherwise would have consumed 250 Calories from the soy milk. I see the scale moving in my favor, so I'm happy especially since I offset the scale a bit to account for the water loss I'm sure I'll gain back once I move up to more than 150 Calories a day.
Let's see how the rest of the evening goes. Good luck, everyone.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I'm still rather pleased with myself for yesterday. I managed to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night without having more than a fruit strip and a half with 3 cashews. I drank quite a bit of tea...which I'm really going to have to lay off of soon because it makes my mouth feel funny at times.
Today was a good one, too. Although I'm a bit conflicted. I had 2 fruit strips. I'm thinking I should eat something... the cabbage I made the other night or a bean cake. Something! But I can't bring myself to do it. I stood on the scale and felt good about my progress. I don't want to ruin it just yet. But I know that having some stupid cooked cabbage isn't going to ruin it considering I haven't been eating more than a 100 Calories a day. I don't know what will be worse at this point. Not eating it or eating it. I want to see another pound go off but I don't want to stagnate.
Hmmm. What to do... I think I'll have a cup of tea while I ponder on this some more.
In other news: my flatmates friend wants to come over and hang out tomorrow and keep me company since my flatmate is gone for some time. I don't really want him to because I know it's going to turn into this big food ordeal for me. Which, actually, is part of the reason I'm having a hard time deciding if I should have a bean cake (which is mostly water anyway) or cooked cabbage. Goodness, this is almost embarrassing, but it's a real issue I'm having and I feel so stupid for it. I don't want to eat it and then find myself in the toilet over a bowl of cabbage. But aside from worrying about what to eat, last time he just welcomed himself for the night and stayed in my flatmates room and apparently was on my computer until 3 in the morning. I woke up the next day, turned it on and it was doing a disk check. WTF! I hate when people impose. I'm actually looking forward to telling him off tomorrow (in the most polite way, of course). "Don't use my s**t and f**k it up...better don't use it at all!" Password?...check! I guess that bothered me more than I wanted to admit. Glad I vented.
Wow. Enough rambling from me. I'm just going to think this cabbage situation over on a cup of tea. I hope everyone is doing well with their goals. I'm definitely rooting for us.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I won't even get into how lame I felt yesterday after a friend came over and suggested we go to the movies. CRAP! is all I have to say to that.
Today, I'm back on track.
2 sticks of gum
Half a fruit strip
Tea (and lots of it)
I've decided to force my mind into other things because I know how hard I'll get on myself otherwise. Actually, I'm a bit late, but I'm trying so hard to not think on how much of a failure I am. That's what will make me give in.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Last night I took my medication, on a very empty stomach. Not very smart. I was so nauseated I couldn't sleep. I have to take the medicine so that I don't get sick while here, but I can't take it on an empty stomach. My solution? I stopped by the ice cream shop around the corner (milk isn't so readily available) and bought one child size scoop to take with my medicine. I reduced it by about a teaspoon, rinsed it down the sink. The plus is that it has fat and sugar in it to calm my stomach while perking me up. The downside is that it has fat and sugar. So, I did really well today, with the exception of that child scoop, which I shouldn't take, but I should.
Anyways, I cooked some veggies semi-stir fry these evening. Just a fun exercise. I tasted some...well, actually, chewed a piece of onion, a piece of carrot, and a piece of lettuce before spitting them out. They taste good. I put the rest in a container. Maybe I'll give it to the security guards or my flatmate. Day three and on track.
Oh, and thanks for posting that comment, Pretty(lady). It definitely perked me up and I'm thinking on how to improvise for those items. Right now, it's getting late so I think I'll make myself a cup of tea. My tummy is telling me that it wants it, and surprisingly without the loud grumbles.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
That was a close one. I love the dizzy feeling but I forgot how much I hate headaches. Too painful and too distracting...especially when I have so much work to do. I told myself that a small bite of something would help with the headache and so I allowed myself to have half a packet of plain oatmeal for breakfast today followed by one Wheat Thin. You can already guess at what happened. I kept going...I wound up eating
1 Pringles chip
1 fruit strip
3 more wheat thins
2 portions of laughing cow cheese round
and quite a few spoons of cheese in herbs and olive oil - Heavenly and evil all at once. Only God knows exactly how many Calories are in that thing. Yikes!
I was near polishing off the pita when I realized that the headache was fading and I realized what I was doing...giving in. I got on the scale. It hadn't moved. (Which I guess is good). I drank a glass of water waited about 2 minutes and calmly walked to the bathroom. I got most of it out but felt bad while doing so because I told myself that I wouldn't go that route. It hurt, not physically but emotionally. I wanted to have GREAT control without doing so. I did such a good job avoiding before. What's even worse is that while I feel bad for it, I felt great for having gotten most of it out. Even if I absorbed some Calories before doing so...they were fewer than they otherwise would have been. What's more is that I have that delicious empty feeling. I got on the scale and it moved oh so slightly clockwise. Affirmation. Goodness, I'm not well.
I'm moving back to water and water and tea and water for the rest of the day. After a session like that I don't want to eat anything else for a while. Mostly to avoid having to do it again. Wish me luck, I'm hoping you're all stronger than me and doesn't give in as easily.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I almost caved...and then I decided to keep busy by making myself some "soup". I'm so proud of myself for today. Not a single bite. Oops, I lied. I had a stick of gum. I needed something to distract me. Better that than...oh, say, bread.
I wasn't able to get any gym exercise in but I'm usually not able to. There aren't any gyms around here and I had to let my membership go some months ago when I left. Doesn't make any sense to pay monthly for something I really can't use even if I wanted to (and I want to). It's not like I'm going to be flying back and forth to make that happen. So, although there are no gyms, and it's too miserably hot to run during the day (dangerous in the evening). I got my iPod out and danced my butt off. Then did some solo workouts, and walked by the fridge a couple times afterwards just to give it a smug smile.
Let's see how tomorrow goes. One day at a time, one meal at a time.
Even if it's just a slight hunger. After all, it's at the core of most diets, talk less about my 'diet'.
I woke up this morning a bit dizzy. I could barely stand. I've been eating far fewer Calories a day than I typically do. About 1000 fewer than average and a bowl full of cabbage, carrots, cucumber, and two boiled eggs, yesterday for dinner probably isn't going to help my energy level. When I realized this...in that moment... I felt great! It's been a while since I've had that feeling. I told myself that this is the feeling of progress, and progress is a wonderful feeling even if it comes with a stomach grumble.
Something came over me and I resolved to not eat anything today. So far so good. For breakfast I had a large cup of caffeine-free apricot flavor tea (w/ 2 Splenda packets), for lunch I had a diet coke. Well, technically a can of Coca-Cola light. I needed the caffeine because I'm working on applications for school, which is really difficult to do because I'm out of the country at the moment. Dinner is still a work in progress. I remembered what I used to do in the past when I had lost a lot of weight in less than 3 months. An improvised soup!... which, I'm sure sounds absolutely ridiculous but we all have our techniques and this one works for me. So long as I can trick myself into thinking that I'm gaining some sort of nutritional value from the soup I make then I can stay on track and a little more focused.
What's in the soup? It's mostly water with half a bouillon cube, a couple drops of chili sauce, salt, black pepper, and occasionally 2 baby carrots and 1/2 cup of cabbage. I go easy on the salt because there's so much in the bouillon cube already and I don't want to retain too much water. If anyone reading this has any tips and variations on this, they're highly welcome to share. So, anyway, this soup comes out borderline bland but just a step up tastier than nothing. Today, no chunks (for lack of a better word).
In the meantime, I'll see how long I can go on nothing but liquid. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to the dizziness and grogginess. Call me masochistic if you please. The worse I feel, the better I feel trying to get over it but still resisting to give in.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I've just started this blog because I believe it will help me keep on track. I began this weekend at 140. In the last month I ballooned yet again...another 10 pounds. But I'm determined to reverse it. I've lost 2 of those pounds so far. My goal at the moment is to lose 8 more and then I can get serious about where I really want to be. For now, I just want to lose these 8 by the end of November. I think it's possible, but it won't be easy. I'm hoping there's someone out there that I can keep motivated with for the next couple months. 10 more in December for a total of 20. It's not a lot when I think on it, but it is until I've accomplished it. Wish me luck... I'll be doing the same.