Thursday, December 31, 2009
The thigh in the picture is so ridiculous. Just tacky Photoshop-ing
I've decided to ring in the New Year with a fast. Why? Because it should be really exciting to see exactly how I'm going to dodge food on such a "big" day.
Actually, I thought to myself... "why not?" I should be able to grow some and tell my family firmly that I'm not hungry if, in fact, I'm not. So, my goal is to go three days without any food. If I do it well then maybe I'll aim for longer, but right now, I think 3 days should be plenty difficult. (It's JUST three days, right?) If I get really caught in a sticky situation, I'll opt for a "liquid" treat, but no more than 100 Cals worth. Soft-drinks, etc, but let's hope it doesn't boil down to that. The second day is always the hardest, but I'm determined to get through it.
I should be fine with tea and water (absolutely no food). Discipline and control is what I'm going for here. Wish me luck. Anyone that wants to join in is more than welcome to.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
When I last checked I was at 134! Yay!!! Although, this was about 4 days ago. I've been out of town though visiting with family and unfortunately I do not have a scale with me. DAMN! I could very well be at 136 again, or even 138, but I'm glad that I was able to lose at the very least 1 pound after busting my ass! I'm so relieved.
The more I think on it, the more feasible it is that I could very well have gone up again with the way my aunt has been trying to stuff me with all sorts of crap. I've shown remarkable restraint though. Today I managed to dodge a bunch of fried snacks. Breakfast consisted of 2 scrambled eggs and toast...purge...Lunch was a fruit salad and a soda (I poured the soda down the drain after opting out of the potatoes and yam - citing that I had eaten eggs and bread for breakfast), and dinner was a very large tuna salad (minus the tuna - I'm really hating on the corn right now).
I'm here for another 5 days or so and I'm already upset because it looks like the rest of my stay will consist of me restricting and purging just to maintain the weight I'm at (if I'm even lucky to still be at that weight).
I keep telling myself that I can't give up...I did an hour of cardio for 5 days straight last week. Yes, I am a bit determined. Stubborn, even. I keep telling myself that "I WILL reach my goal weight," regardless of how long it takes me. Unfortunately, I can't really go at the exercise while I'm here. It's okay, just a minor setback. I may not lose anything. In fact, I'll probably gain, but I'll get to it when I get back to my place. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't think too hard on the number but on the general direction that the scale is going (let's see how long that lasts). Besides, I don't have a scale with me, so that's kind of pointless to do anyway. I hope everyone's holidays are not as excruciating as they otherwise could be.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Feeling tired and a bit dizzy. Did cardio for an hour again, today. I think I'll take a break tomorrow though. Let's see how sore I get.
Apparently, I inadvertently did some schmoozing today. How so? Well, I made some soup for lunch but I didn't eat it. Instead I put it in tupperware and walked it to my neighbors. They offered me some snacks. I told them that I already ate. "Would you like a drink?"..."No, thank you." It wasn't really a lie. I had 3 small carrots, a banana, and 2 wheat thins for breakfast. Ultimately I had some tea.
Then I came back and not long after had a craving for some gummy bears. Damn. Luckily it was only a small sachet (140 Cals). Not too bad.
I had to run off to meet a friend. I narrowly escaped eating lunch with her and her family. PHEW. They did however insist that I have a juice pouch...correction, two. It would have been extremely rude to decline. I had one and really didn't want to have the second, but finally gave in. I figured I would burn the sugar off with my jump rope later on, anyway. I think those two pouches/boxes must have been 200 Cals combined.
As exhausted as I am, I'm feeling pretty good. However, I don't think I want to chronicle every day. Sooooo, I'll wait to update when I lose another pound or two - or after Christmas, depending on just how entertaining that turns out to be. That scale better start moving, even if only by half a pound. Not that I would know. I don't necessarily trust it, though.
Good luck with your holiday goals, everyone. Remember, don't give in.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
So, it turns out the scale wasn't playing tricks on me. It actually was reading heavier because it's that time of the month. TAH DAH! (If only I were actually genuinely amused). Crapsticks! I don't mind that it creeps up so regularly, but are the cramps so necessary? I won't give TMI but REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?. I wasn't going to do anything today (in fact, I lazed around for about an hour or so) but it got so painful I forced myself to go for a walk. I'm a bit relieved actually, because it means that in about a week, after I've pushed myself really hard and my stomach is ready to slap the shit out of me, and my body is aching and cursing me out, I would have dropped THAT weight and be that much more closer to my goal(s) - even if only by 1 pound.
My uncle called me in the morning to ask if I wanted to go for lunch. I lied and said I already fixed something and ate. I didn't want to go through the salad and bread ordeal again.
Today I grazed...very lightly. Breakfast consisted of 1/3 of a fruit bar (55 Cals), a fruit strip (40 Cals), and a cookie (60 Cals). Lunch was 4 mini rice cakes (30 Cals), 2 almonds (maybe 15 Cals) and a diet Coke. What's crazy is that I don't even drink soda when I'm in the States. When I get back I'm so chucking that habit. Here sometimes bottled water is hard to come by so you order any other bottled liquid which is usually a fizzy drink. Thank goodness there's diet. But overall, I find that the bubbles burn, or is it just me?
I'm feeling good and a little bit hungry now that I've taken a bath and relaxed a bit.
My legs are a little sore because I got another hour of cardio today. Woop woop! (*...it's the eye of the tiger...*) - *screech/scratch* - I had to stop skipping about 5 minutes to the hour because I got a really bad cramp in my side. Not the monthly kind. When it finally seized I made up for it with another 7 minutes of skipping.
I returned the crappy bootlegged DVD the guy around the corner sold me. It didn't play. I told him off (very politely). I demanded a replacement and checked it first thing when I got home. That's what I'll be doing in the next few minutes until I fall asleep.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Nice legs, right? Ya, I wish mine looked like those...soon enough.
So, I didn't fast today. Which is okay considering I wasn't necessarily aiming for that. I didn't go today without food but I feel good. It could be the endorphins.
The guest is gone and again I have my space and time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind guests it's just tougher if you have to chaperon for most of your day.
Breakfast was half a fruit bar.
Lunch...Well, I had to have lunch with my uncle today, so I made sure I ordered a tuna salad. Not too bad, except I forgot to ask them to hold the cheese and the corn. Oh well. It wasn't much cheese. I made sure to have just one small slice of bread, because he thought it was odd that I was picking of the sprinkles of feta.
We had some tea and checked out some local art. I got a pretty awesome bag.
Got home and did about an hour of cardio. Love my jump rope. Yay!
So, although the scale is stubbornly stuck (in fact, I think it's gone up - it's a pretty crappy needle scale purchased locally) I feel good that I was able to exercise.
That's all...I think I'm going to watch a movie on my laptop.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Yesterday was wasted on the sink. I had to go to bank and withdraw money (a nightmare), buy the sink parts (doubly so), and wait for the plumber to finish the task. I can't believe it took 6 hours. I mean, I CAN believe it took 6 hours. Everything here is so much more difficult, especially with the heat. So, sadly, no interviews yesterday, and wound up eating more than I wanted to in the evening. I think that due in part to the fact that I didn't sleep the night before, trying to submit an application online using this god-forsaken modem. I wouldn't be so irritated by the day, talk less of blogging about the sink, had he done a good job. Incompetence is rampant around here. Every time I turn the sink on, water dribbles out from the lower cabinets and into the drain in the floor. RIDICULOUS! I couldn't be bothered with calling him back today. It probably would have been worse and may have ruined my day.
Today was good. Spent a fortune on calling people for my project. But work is work. I didn't get farther than the compound, but I rather liked it.
I didn't eat until evening. I probably would have gone without any food today, but I suddenly had the world's worst headache. As if there were 1,000 little women, with a 2,000 tiny hammers, having a go at my skull. It was intense. I knew it was lack of food. I finally caved in and had some turkey jerky (hell, if I'm going to nibble on something, damn straight it's going to be savory), but it was still too painful, so I had a fruit bowl. It calmed down a bit then came back. I had a biscuit and some rice cakes but it wasn't any better, so I had a bowl of sauteed veggies. *sigh* At least it finally went away. That was certainly a new intensity for me and I didn't want to take any meds on an empty stomach. Especially since the anti-malarial pills make me sick as hell already.
All in all, I must have consumed 700 to 800 Calories. Actually, it could be less. Regardless, it's way more than I was aiming for. I don't think the scale will be moving anytime soon, but oh well. At least I tamed that beast. I'll try again tomorrow. I think I need to lay off the tea...or maybe have more caffeine...Hmmm.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
It really is a vicious cycle. I started on this and now I'm just stuck. I feel like just saying "fuck it!" and stuffing myself with meat and cheese and bread. Well, actually, I don't because I think I would just keel over and die. But seriously...
I haven't lost a single pound this month. Which, I guess is better than gaining, but it would be so nice to lose some weight. I haven't been able to jump rope because I have a house guest that occupies the time and space for my exercise. The little, very little exercise that I can get. So, it's been this painful struggle with starving and eating and purging and starving and eating and purging. BLECK! So much effort, so much restraint, so much energy put into it just to stay at the same weight without giving myself away.
I pause and think I really should just throw in the towel. That maybe I'll just be happy giving it all up, but then I freak out. I can't go back to 140. I just can't. It would be so much easier and so much more effective if this person could just go. It's been almost a week and a half. I haven't even been able to post in my blog because of it. Well, I haven't been able to post in THIS blog because of the constant computer sharing. Yes, the computer is shared because I pay up the ass for an internet connection in the middle of nowhere and the guest needs it almost as often as I do. I had to delete all of the bookmarks on my browsers. It's just been a really ridiculous stressful time, especially if you factor in the application process. So, I guess it hasn't been so bad. I keep telling myself I would be really upset if I had gained. I suppose I should be really pleased with myself, but should I? I mean, eating salads and purging lovely dinners isn't necessarily something someone should gloat about.
Thanks for the support you lovely lovelies. I'm far from where I want to be but you all make me feel so much closer to it than I would otherwise. REALLY! I opened the blog now that the guest finally went out to run some errands (ALONE!) and I feel so much better having signed in and read all of your posts and comments to one another. You're such strong, lovely people. Truly.
With that said, I'm back to chasing down people to interview and working on this statement.
Yay! I just realized I got out of lunch. Every meal counts, right? Woohoo!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
So, the final weigh-in for November was 134.5, which I'm going to round up to 135 (make myself work that much harder). While I didn't lose anywhere near what I was really hoping to, I still managed to get 3-4 pounds off from when I started this blog. Not too bad. Six pounds, if we count the 2 before I began posting. So, I'm happy.
I want to lose 10 pounds this December. I know it's a way to go, but if I can do it. I'll be so ecstatic, and back to where I was before I let myself balloon uncontrollably to 140. GROSS. I need to really have a handle on my intake so that I don't start purging and feeling so bad about it. It's a new month and I'm up for the challenge. Even if I ultimately only lose another 5 pounds, I'll be fine with that.
Yesterday, I refrained from eating the salad and instead treated myself to a little under two cups of fresh pineapple. I nibbled on a pringle and a cashew, but that was for show mostly. I had a couple guy friends pop by to say hello and I served them some vodka. I'm so glad I still had half a bottle of cream soda (diet) and poured it in my glass. I really didn't want to mess up my count for the day. I owed it to myself. Today, so far I've had some gummy vitamins (imported) and a cup of tea. I'll have the salad after I get passionate with my jump rope. Haha.