Sunday, November 29, 2009
Binging and purging. Terrible feelings! I'm just glad the guest is finally gone. It was really annoying to have someone constantly asking if I've eaten and what I've eaten. Totally, messed me up. I got on the scale today, and the crap hasn't moved. In fact, I think it's gone up. Granted, I still have the scale offset.
I'm glad to be back to my routine. I haven't had a single bite today and intend to keep it that way until tomorrow.
Goodness, I need some motivation.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The best part about being out of the country on Thanksgiving is that it just doesn't exist around here. This means that I don't have to deal with avoiding all of the Thanksgiving food and everyone insisting that I try the dessert. So glad.
Yesterday I slipped up again. Just as I anticipated. A friend came over and we went out to "the mall". Pretty sad excuse for a mall if you ask me. I don't even like going to those places when I'm home, talk less about going to a crappy one when I'm not. Anyways, I went to the mall. I didn't mind having the popcorn. Lightly salted, no butter. But the ice-cream was a killer, two small scoops. I was feeling pretty bad already with the popcorn since I had eaten some oatmeal in the morning. Especially since I still had to an invitation to meet with my neighbors for drinks. I did well and only had 1 beer, but I had to be polite and had some potato omelet and way too much cheese and crackers. I came home afterward and felt so bloated and gross that I wound up purging most of the cheese and crackers. Bleggghhh! Last time I told myself it would be the only time I would purge, but I just couldn't stand feeling so full.
Oh, and if you were wondering what I did about my cabbage and bean cake situation a couple days ago... I had a bite of cabbage and threw out the bean cake. I didn't want to find myself downing a bunch of water again. Problem solved.
Today I had half a cup of oatmeal and a fruit strip, I may have a second fruit strip. We'll see. I made a chai latte with soy milk (ingenious really, given the limited resources here) but I'm glad the tea bags burst. I couldn't stand the fact that the leaves weren't settling and I couldn't filter the tea out. It was probably a good thing because it kept me from drinking it and I otherwise would have consumed 250 Calories from the soy milk. I see the scale moving in my favor, so I'm happy especially since I offset the scale a bit to account for the water loss I'm sure I'll gain back once I move up to more than 150 Calories a day.
Let's see how the rest of the evening goes. Good luck, everyone.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I'm still rather pleased with myself for yesterday. I managed to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night without having more than a fruit strip and a half with 3 cashews. I drank quite a bit of tea...which I'm really going to have to lay off of soon because it makes my mouth feel funny at times.
Today was a good one, too. Although I'm a bit conflicted. I had 2 fruit strips. I'm thinking I should eat something... the cabbage I made the other night or a bean cake. Something! But I can't bring myself to do it. I stood on the scale and felt good about my progress. I don't want to ruin it just yet. But I know that having some stupid cooked cabbage isn't going to ruin it considering I haven't been eating more than a 100 Calories a day. I don't know what will be worse at this point. Not eating it or eating it. I want to see another pound go off but I don't want to stagnate.
Hmmm. What to do... I think I'll have a cup of tea while I ponder on this some more.
In other news: my flatmates friend wants to come over and hang out tomorrow and keep me company since my flatmate is gone for some time. I don't really want him to because I know it's going to turn into this big food ordeal for me. Which, actually, is part of the reason I'm having a hard time deciding if I should have a bean cake (which is mostly water anyway) or cooked cabbage. Goodness, this is almost embarrassing, but it's a real issue I'm having and I feel so stupid for it. I don't want to eat it and then find myself in the toilet over a bowl of cabbage. But aside from worrying about what to eat, last time he just welcomed himself for the night and stayed in my flatmates room and apparently was on my computer until 3 in the morning. I woke up the next day, turned it on and it was doing a disk check. WTF! I hate when people impose. I'm actually looking forward to telling him off tomorrow (in the most polite way, of course). "Don't use my s**t and f**k it up...better don't use it at all!" Password?...check! I guess that bothered me more than I wanted to admit. Glad I vented.
Wow. Enough rambling from me. I'm just going to think this cabbage situation over on a cup of tea. I hope everyone is doing well with their goals. I'm definitely rooting for us.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I won't even get into how lame I felt yesterday after a friend came over and suggested we go to the movies. CRAP! is all I have to say to that.
Today, I'm back on track.
2 sticks of gum
Half a fruit strip
Tea (and lots of it)
I've decided to force my mind into other things because I know how hard I'll get on myself otherwise. Actually, I'm a bit late, but I'm trying so hard to not think on how much of a failure I am. That's what will make me give in.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Last night I took my medication, on a very empty stomach. Not very smart. I was so nauseated I couldn't sleep. I have to take the medicine so that I don't get sick while here, but I can't take it on an empty stomach. My solution? I stopped by the ice cream shop around the corner (milk isn't so readily available) and bought one child size scoop to take with my medicine. I reduced it by about a teaspoon, rinsed it down the sink. The plus is that it has fat and sugar in it to calm my stomach while perking me up. The downside is that it has fat and sugar. So, I did really well today, with the exception of that child scoop, which I shouldn't take, but I should.
Anyways, I cooked some veggies semi-stir fry these evening. Just a fun exercise. I tasted some...well, actually, chewed a piece of onion, a piece of carrot, and a piece of lettuce before spitting them out. They taste good. I put the rest in a container. Maybe I'll give it to the security guards or my flatmate. Day three and on track.
Oh, and thanks for posting that comment, Pretty(lady). It definitely perked me up and I'm thinking on how to improvise for those items. Right now, it's getting late so I think I'll make myself a cup of tea. My tummy is telling me that it wants it, and surprisingly without the loud grumbles.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
That was a close one. I love the dizzy feeling but I forgot how much I hate headaches. Too painful and too distracting...especially when I have so much work to do. I told myself that a small bite of something would help with the headache and so I allowed myself to have half a packet of plain oatmeal for breakfast today followed by one Wheat Thin. You can already guess at what happened. I kept going...I wound up eating
1 Pringles chip
1 fruit strip
3 more wheat thins
2 portions of laughing cow cheese round
and quite a few spoons of cheese in herbs and olive oil - Heavenly and evil all at once. Only God knows exactly how many Calories are in that thing. Yikes!
I was near polishing off the pita when I realized that the headache was fading and I realized what I was doing...giving in. I got on the scale. It hadn't moved. (Which I guess is good). I drank a glass of water waited about 2 minutes and calmly walked to the bathroom. I got most of it out but felt bad while doing so because I told myself that I wouldn't go that route. It hurt, not physically but emotionally. I wanted to have GREAT control without doing so. I did such a good job avoiding before. What's even worse is that while I feel bad for it, I felt great for having gotten most of it out. Even if I absorbed some Calories before doing so...they were fewer than they otherwise would have been. What's more is that I have that delicious empty feeling. I got on the scale and it moved oh so slightly clockwise. Affirmation. Goodness, I'm not well.
I'm moving back to water and water and tea and water for the rest of the day. After a session like that I don't want to eat anything else for a while. Mostly to avoid having to do it again. Wish me luck, I'm hoping you're all stronger than me and doesn't give in as easily.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I almost caved...and then I decided to keep busy by making myself some "soup". I'm so proud of myself for today. Not a single bite. Oops, I lied. I had a stick of gum. I needed something to distract me. Better that than...oh, say, bread.
I wasn't able to get any gym exercise in but I'm usually not able to. There aren't any gyms around here and I had to let my membership go some months ago when I left. Doesn't make any sense to pay monthly for something I really can't use even if I wanted to (and I want to). It's not like I'm going to be flying back and forth to make that happen. So, although there are no gyms, and it's too miserably hot to run during the day (dangerous in the evening). I got my iPod out and danced my butt off. Then did some solo workouts, and walked by the fridge a couple times afterwards just to give it a smug smile.
Let's see how tomorrow goes. One day at a time, one meal at a time.
Even if it's just a slight hunger. After all, it's at the core of most diets, talk less about my 'diet'.
I woke up this morning a bit dizzy. I could barely stand. I've been eating far fewer Calories a day than I typically do. About 1000 fewer than average and a bowl full of cabbage, carrots, cucumber, and two boiled eggs, yesterday for dinner probably isn't going to help my energy level. When I realized this...in that moment... I felt great! It's been a while since I've had that feeling. I told myself that this is the feeling of progress, and progress is a wonderful feeling even if it comes with a stomach grumble.
Something came over me and I resolved to not eat anything today. So far so good. For breakfast I had a large cup of caffeine-free apricot flavor tea (w/ 2 Splenda packets), for lunch I had a diet coke. Well, technically a can of Coca-Cola light. I needed the caffeine because I'm working on applications for school, which is really difficult to do because I'm out of the country at the moment. Dinner is still a work in progress. I remembered what I used to do in the past when I had lost a lot of weight in less than 3 months. An improvised soup!... which, I'm sure sounds absolutely ridiculous but we all have our techniques and this one works for me. So long as I can trick myself into thinking that I'm gaining some sort of nutritional value from the soup I make then I can stay on track and a little more focused.
What's in the soup? It's mostly water with half a bouillon cube, a couple drops of chili sauce, salt, black pepper, and occasionally 2 baby carrots and 1/2 cup of cabbage. I go easy on the salt because there's so much in the bouillon cube already and I don't want to retain too much water. If anyone reading this has any tips and variations on this, they're highly welcome to share. So, anyway, this soup comes out borderline bland but just a step up tastier than nothing. Today, no chunks (for lack of a better word).
In the meantime, I'll see how long I can go on nothing but liquid. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to the dizziness and grogginess. Call me masochistic if you please. The worse I feel, the better I feel trying to get over it but still resisting to give in.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I've just started this blog because I believe it will help me keep on track. I began this weekend at 140. In the last month I ballooned yet again...another 10 pounds. But I'm determined to reverse it. I've lost 2 of those pounds so far. My goal at the moment is to lose 8 more and then I can get serious about where I really want to be. For now, I just want to lose these 8 by the end of November. I think it's possible, but it won't be easy. I'm hoping there's someone out there that I can keep motivated with for the next couple months. 10 more in December for a total of 20. It's not a lot when I think on it, but it is until I've accomplished it. Wish me luck... I'll be doing the same.