It really is a vicious cycle. I started on this and now I'm just stuck. I feel like just saying "fuck it!" and stuffing myself with meat and cheese and bread. Well, actually, I don't because I think I would just keel over and die. But seriously...
I haven't lost a single pound this month. Which, I guess is better than gaining, but it would be so nice to lose some weight. I haven't been able to jump rope because I have a house guest that occupies the time and space for my exercise. The little, very little exercise that I can get. So, it's been this painful struggle with starving and eating and purging and starving and eating and purging. BLECK! So much effort, so much restraint, so much energy put into it just to stay at the same weight without giving myself away.
I pause and think I really should just throw in the towel. That maybe I'll just be happy giving it all up, but then I freak out. I can't go back to 140. I just can't. It would be so much easier and so much more effective if this person could just go. It's been almost a week and a half. I haven't even been able to post in my blog because of it. Well, I haven't been able to post in THIS blog because of the constant computer sharing. Yes, the computer is shared because I pay up the ass for an internet connection in the middle of nowhere and the guest needs it almost as often as I do. I had to delete all of the bookmarks on my browsers. It's just been a really ridiculous stressful time, especially if you factor in the application process. So, I guess it hasn't been so bad. I keep telling myself I would be really upset if I had gained. I suppose I should be really pleased with myself, but should I? I mean, eating salads and purging lovely dinners isn't necessarily something someone should gloat about.
Thanks for the support you lovely lovelies. I'm far from where I want to be but you all make me feel so much closer to it than I would otherwise. REALLY! I opened the blog now that the guest finally went out to run some errands (ALONE!) and I feel so much better having signed in and read all of your posts and comments to one another. You're such strong, lovely people. Truly.
With that said, I'm back to chasing down people to interview and working on this statement.
Yay! I just realized I got out of lunch. Every meal counts, right? Woohoo!
hi! I know its hard, but you can't let yourself go and gain until you're fully ready to accept yourself at a higher weight.. And it sounds like you aren't. So do whatever you can to stay strong. There's a whole community out here supporting you! :)
ReplyDeleteYou write so lovely!
ReplyDeleteThrow in the towel though?
You're better than that.
I've been following this blog for awhile now, and the only thing I keep thinking is you DESERVE to be thin.
The only thing that's stopping you.. is well, you.
You're strong.
Show it.
We're here for you=)