Disappointment

I feel like such a freaking failure. Not only have I not lost any weight. I've gained three pounds and some change. That's almost 4 pounds. WTF! I'm so disappointed that my first post after not having internet and all the madness that I've been dealing with is not at all positive. My family has come and gone and left me feeling like a big, fat, pig. I saw a friend last week after not seeing him for a couple weeks and the first thing he said was "OH! You've gotten fatter!" Asshole!

I'm such a disappointment to myself. I'm realizing that right now is not the best time to post anything. It's going to all come out as negative and self-hating and I don't need to put that on all you wonderful people. I'll post later when I calm down.

That was a crazy idea!

Wow. My three day fast was sooooo freaking hard. I almost did it successfully, except on New Year Day on of my uncles took me out to lunch (I ordered a salad and picked at it) and anther uncle insisted that I have some wine. Which I'm a sucker for. One glass quickly led to two then three. DAMN! Today my aunt forced a plate of rice in front of me because she "noticed you're not eating." Wow! Cum laude, eh?

*psshhh*

I had a good feeling about 2010 though and apparently I was right to. So, their whole family is starting a 21 day 'spiritual' fast and insisted that I join them even though it's a foreign concept to me. I told them that I wasn't sure if I could go without food or water during the day for 21 days. Lie. Truth is I'm so eager. It begins tomorrow. No food or water until 6 in the evening everyday. I plan to skip the food for a few days at a time, though. No one can criticize me either for not eating or drinking. Yay! Here I go. It looks like they just made up for trying to sabotage my New Year weight loss plan. I feel a little bad because I'm not doing it for spiritual reasons but... oh heck. I'm over it. Yay!

By the way I'm back from my holiday trip and got on the scale. I'm at 134 STILL. DAMN! Probably all the crap eating I did before my fast and the mandatory nibbling on things my relatives kept shoving in my face. I guess it could be worse. I'm sooooo getting that crap off me in the next 3 weeks. I don't think I'll be exercising as rigorously as I was before. Ohhh, this is going to be difficult :)

New Year Fast

The thigh in the picture is so ridiculous. Just tacky Photoshop-ing

Anyways...
I've decided to ring in the New Year with a fast. Why? Because it should be really exciting to see exactly how I'm going to dodge food on such a "big" day.

Actually, I thought to myself... "why not?" I should be able to grow some and tell my family firmly that I'm not hungry if, in fact, I'm not. So, my goal is to go three days without any food. If I do it well then maybe I'll aim for longer, but right now, I think 3 days should be plenty difficult. (It's JUST three days, right?) If I get really caught in a sticky situation, I'll opt for a "liquid" treat, but no more than 100 Cals worth. Soft-drinks, etc, but let's hope it doesn't boil down to that. The second day is always the hardest, but I'm determined to get through it.

I should be fine with tea and water (absolutely no food). Discipline and control is what I'm going for here. Wish me luck. Anyone that wants to join in is more than welcome to.

Wow

When I last checked I was at 134! Yay!!! Although, this was about 4 days ago. I've been out of town though visiting with family and unfortunately I do not have a scale with me. DAMN! I could very well be at 136 again, or even 138, but I'm glad that I was able to lose at the very least 1 pound after busting my ass! I'm so relieved.

The more I think on it, the more feasible it is that I could very well have gone up again with the way my aunt has been trying to stuff me with all sorts of crap. I've shown remarkable restraint though. Today I managed to dodge a bunch of fried snacks. Breakfast consisted of 2 scrambled eggs and toast...purge...Lunch was a fruit salad and a soda (I poured the soda down the drain after opting out of the potatoes and yam - citing that I had eaten eggs and bread for breakfast), and dinner was a very large tuna salad (minus the tuna - I'm really hating on the corn right now).

I'm here for another 5 days or so and I'm already upset because it looks like the rest of my stay will consist of me restricting and purging just to maintain the weight I'm at (if I'm even lucky to still be at that weight).

I keep telling myself that I can't give up...I did an hour of cardio for 5 days straight last week. Yes, I am a bit determined. Stubborn, even. I keep telling myself that "I WILL reach my goal weight," regardless of how long it takes me. Unfortunately, I can't really go at the exercise while I'm here. It's okay, just a minor setback. I may not lose anything. In fact, I'll probably gain, but I'll get to it when I get back to my place. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't think too hard on the number but on the general direction that the scale is going (let's see how long that lasts). Besides, I don't have a scale with me, so that's kind of pointless to do anyway. I hope everyone's holidays are not as excruciating as they otherwise could be.

Schmoozing

Feeling tired and a bit dizzy. Did cardio for an hour again, today. I think I'll take a break tomorrow though. Let's see how sore I get.

Apparently, I inadvertently did some schmoozing today. How so? Well, I made some soup for lunch but I didn't eat it. Instead I put it in tupperware and walked it to my neighbors. They offered me some snacks. I told them that I already ate. "Would you like a drink?"..."No, thank you." It wasn't really a lie. I had 3 small carrots, a banana, and 2 wheat thins for breakfast. Ultimately I had some tea.

Then I came back and not long after had a craving for some gummy bears. Damn. Luckily it was only a small sachet (140 Cals). Not too bad.

I had to run off to meet a friend. I narrowly escaped eating lunch with her and her family. PHEW. They did however insist that I have a juice pouch...correction, two. It would have been extremely rude to decline. I had one and really didn't want to have the second, but finally gave in. I figured I would burn the sugar off with my jump rope later on, anyway. I think those two pouches/boxes must have been 200 Cals combined.

As exhausted as I am, I'm feeling pretty good. However, I don't think I want to chronicle every day. Sooooo, I'll wait to update when I lose another pound or two - or after Christmas, depending on just how entertaining that turns out to be. That scale better start moving, even if only by half a pound. Not that I would know. I don't necessarily trust it, though.

Good luck with your holiday goals, everyone. Remember, don't give in.

Sorted that out...

Kind of.

So, it turns out the scale wasn't playing tricks on me. It actually was reading heavier because it's that time of the month. TAH DAH! (If only I were actually genuinely amused). Crapsticks! I don't mind that it creeps up so regularly, but are the cramps so necessary? I won't give TMI but REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?. I wasn't going to do anything today (in fact, I lazed around for about an hour or so) but it got so painful I forced myself to go for a walk. I'm a bit relieved actually, because it means that in about a week, after I've pushed myself really hard and my stomach is ready to slap the shit out of me, and my body is aching and cursing me out, I would have dropped THAT weight and be that much more closer to my goal(s) - even if only by 1 pound.

My uncle called me in the morning to ask if I wanted to go for lunch. I lied and said I already fixed something and ate. I didn't want to go through the salad and bread ordeal again.

Today I grazed...very lightly. Breakfast consisted of 1/3 of a fruit bar (55 Cals), a fruit strip (40 Cals), and a cookie (60 Cals). Lunch was 4 mini rice cakes (30 Cals), 2 almonds (maybe 15 Cals) and a diet Coke. What's crazy is that I don't even drink soda when I'm in the States. When I get back I'm so chucking that habit. Here sometimes bottled water is hard to come by so you order any other bottled liquid which is usually a fizzy drink. Thank goodness there's diet. But overall, I find that the bubbles burn, or is it just me?

I'm feeling good and a little bit hungry now that I've taken a bath and relaxed a bit.

My legs are a little sore because I got another hour of cardio today. Woop woop! (*...it's the eye of the tiger...*) - *screech/scratch* - I had to stop skipping about 5 minutes to the hour because I got a really bad cramp in my side. Not the monthly kind. When it finally seized I made up for it with another 7 minutes of skipping.

I returned the crappy bootlegged DVD the guy around the corner sold me. It didn't play. I told him off (very politely). I demanded a replacement and checked it first thing when I got home. That's what I'll be doing in the next few minutes until I fall asleep.

Hell yes!

Nice legs, right? Ya, I wish mine looked like those...soon enough.

So, I didn't fast today. Which is okay considering I wasn't necessarily aiming for that. I didn't go today without food but I feel good. It could be the endorphins.

The guest is gone and again I have my space and time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind guests it's just tougher if you have to chaperon for most of your day.

Breakfast was half a fruit bar.

Lunch...Well, I had to have lunch with my uncle today, so I made sure I ordered a tuna salad. Not too bad, except I forgot to ask them to hold the cheese and the corn. Oh well. It wasn't much cheese. I made sure to have just one small slice of bread, because he thought it was odd that I was picking of the sprinkles of feta.

We had some tea and checked out some local art. I got a pretty awesome bag.

Got home and did about an hour of cardio. Love my jump rope. Yay!

So, although the scale is stubbornly stuck (in fact, I think it's gone up - it's a pretty crappy needle scale purchased locally) I feel good that I was able to exercise.

That's all...I think I'm going to watch a movie on my laptop.